wheel of consent taking

Taking

The Wheel Of Consent can help you understand how to take without taking advantage.

On the face of it most of us would probably say that there’s too much taking going on in the world. We live in a culture which values outcomes, teaching us a sense of entitlement: that we must win, we must get power over others at all costs.

Why has taking become a dirty word?

Even the word ‘Take’ sometimes feels like a dirty one: suggesting an action that’s invasive, or aggressive. It’s no wonder we often feel an aversion to the notion of Taking because it’s become synonymous with stealing and the abuse of power. The logical conclusion of which is rape and war.

These are actually all aspects of Taking that happen when the boundaries of consent are being transgressed.

With the Wheel Of Consent, Taking means taking action for your own benefit. So in that sense taking is really essential to our survival – if we didn’t take things we needed we’d die!

Receiving a gift

However, there are responsibilities that come with Taking consentingly.

When someone willingly consents to allow you access to something you want from them, what they’re actually doing is giving you a gift.

If you’re taking a gift, you need to make sure you respect the limits and boundaries of the person giving it. Especially if the gift is access to the giver’s body or space.

It’s not surprising the whole idea of Taking might feel challenging, or even scary!

Wants and needs

Despite the popular notion that we are currently wallowing in an excess of pleasure-taking, and self-gratification, the reality probably couldn’t be further from the truth.

Many of us have actually shut down our ability to tune into what we really want (as opposed to what we think ‘ought’ to, or what we’re told we ‘should’).

And our self-gratification is often more of an attempt to gratify someone else.

But just because we’re not aware of them doesn’t mean our wants or needs disappear. So we may try to get them met by sneaking them in under the guise of something we’re doing ‘for’ someone else: have you ever given someone a massage because you secretly hoped you’d get one in return? (read more about how to clean up your Serving)

The Wheel Of Consent and Taking (for pleasure)

Learning to Take consentingly really starts with learning to understand what our own pleasure actually feels like. And like anything else we learn, this can take some practice.

Luckily the Wheel Of Consent is designed to help you with this, and getting good at Taking consentingly is at the very heart of the practice.

How to do it

Taking action for your own benefit, while respecting the limits of the person giving.

When you get good at consensual Taking it brings you integrity as a partner. Here are three tips:

  • Be clear about what you want.
  • Communicate it well, and make clear agreements.
  • Then make sure you respect the limits of the other person, and don’t take more than they’re willing to give.

Find out how you can work with me to learn more.

The quadrants

Each quadrant in the Wheel Of Consent creates a different experience and teaches you something different about yourself. Learn more about each one:

Serving
Taking
Allowing
Accepting

Enjoyed reading this?

If you've found this page helpful you can get more tips and resources for better relating straight to your inbox. Sign up here and get my free How To Be Heard guide to start you off:

Explore more:

giving and receiving explained

Giving and receiving explained – 6 key ways to tell the difference

If you think giving and receiving don’t need to be explained you might be surprised by this handy guide that breaks down the differences

Read More
wheel of consent why slow down

Why slow down? 3 reasons you’ll benefit

There are 3 great reasons why you should slow down. Learn what they are, why they can help you, and how to get better at it

Read More
give what others want

3 essential steps to give others what they really want

Tired of disappointing people? Follow these 3 simple, effective steps to ensure you always give others what they really want

Read More

Events & courses

The Art of Receiving & Giving – Wellington, NZ

Understand giving and receiving better with this life-changing practice. Learn the foundations of the Wheel Of Consent in this ‘hands-on’ weekend workshop. 1 -3 March 2024

Read More

Learn To Touch – Supported Self Study Course

Online. Discover a whole new approach to touch that will change how you feel – literally! A short, affordable, practical guide you can learn in less than an hour a day.

Read More