consent permission

Consent – why permission is not enough

Getting consent means getting permission, right?

Yes…

And that’s not quite all there is to it.

Because permission only describes one dynamic of relating:

“I’m moving house this weekend and I need a car to transport my stuff. May I borrow yours?”

I want to take action, with something that’s yours, in order to benefit myself. So I ask your permission.

Seems pretty simple.

But there’s also another dynamic of relating. And – incredibly – we don’t actually have a word to describe it, even though it’s something we’re all familiar with in our everyday interactions.

“I’m moving house, and I need someone to help me. Will you bring your car and drive my stuff to my new place?”

Now I’m asking you to take action, with something that’s yours, in order to benefit me.

That’s different from asking for permission.

You might think: well we’re just talking about who’s driving the car, it’s no big deal.

But imagine we’re talking, instead, about something that involves touch. Maybe even intimate touch.

“May I feel you up?”

I’m getting consent to touch you the way I want, by asking your permission.

“Will you give me a full body massage?” 

I’m asking if you’re willing to touch me the way I want to be touched.

Suddenly it becomes much more important that consent is not just about getting permission.

Because when you’re the one who’s doing something for me, I want to be sure we have a clear agreement about what’s going to happen (or not happen) so we can both be confident about it.

Want to expand how you create consent, beyond permission?

Just using these two questions:

“May I….?”, and “Will you…?”

is a great way to start building a clear agreement when there’s something you want for yourself.

And if you want to learn more about how to use and practice these skills check out coaching options with me.

The quadrants

Each quadrant in the Wheel Of Consent creates a different experience and teaches you something different about yourself. Learn more about each one:

Serving
Taking
Allowing
Accepting

Enjoyed reading this?

If you've found this page helpful you can get more tips and resources for better relating straight to your inbox. Sign up here and get my free How To Be Heard guide to start you off:

Explore more:

wheel of consent get better at receiving

How to get better at receiving

Taking doesn’t have to just mean ‘taking advantage’. Find out why it’s important for you to develop your skills to take consentingly

Read More
stop taking advantage

Why it’s good to take

Taking doesn’t have to just mean ‘taking advantage’. Find out why it’s important for you to develop your skills to take consentingly

Read More
better gift giving

Better gift giving – what’s the secret?

Are you giving for the right reasons? Discover how to tell if your giving is really for the other person, or whether you’re giving as a way to meet your own needs

Read More

Events & courses

Learn To Touch – Supported Self Study Course

Online. Discover a whole new approach to touch that will change how you feel – literally! A short, affordable, practical guide you can learn in less than an hour a day.

Read More